I didn’t know how I would talk about money for today’s video. Once I did, I spent even longer deciding what I would cut out. I live with the irony that for someone with a YouTube channel named after herself, I spend a considerable amount of time convincing myself people will watch. One day I’ll tell the stories that really made me. But until I stop being scared of y’all, I’ll write a little here, a little now, and keep going until I can say them out loud.
This is what I wrote to try to give some insight into my relationship to money.
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I don’t remember every time we were evicted. But I remember the last one. I remember sitting among the barracks of our furniture. Waiting for him to come back to get the rest of it. The rest of us. I remember thinking, it doesn’t have to be like this. I’ll prove it.
I remember handing over my paychecks for the summer. The uniform of red and khaki but I didn’t have red and I hoped no one would notice. Only one person did. I felt exposed. I remember the bitterness in my mouth when I handed over the checks. Resentful in my adolescence. But the seed of kindness to know money means something different to those who don’t have it.
I remember overhearing the calls to relatives asking for money. The betrayal of a family that chose to stop supporting. I vowed to never let my family down. Not even knowing what that meant.
I remember staring at the university invoice. Fear tearing a hole in my stomach. $2,453? Where was that going to come from?
I remember the visible relief when I told him I had applied for loans. The rope of money owed slacked just a bit.
I remember holding back the frustrated tears as I transferred from my savings to pay for the house. Where was the money from a few months ago? He told me about bills like I didn’t have my own. Resentful in my young adulthood but the seed had sprouted. Money means something different when you never stop needing it.
I remember withdrawing the maximum amount from the ATM and stuffing it in my coat pocket. My family only accepts cash for Christmas. She counted it out then handed it back. I just wanted to see how much you were able to give. Was my generosity ever in doubt?
I smiled at the text I received when he received the Venmo notification. I don’t see bank tellers anymore. I used to wonder what they would think about my circumstances, if they ever asked. No one ever did. Woah! Nice one. I thanked him for sending the money home. The money means something different when you have more than you’ll ever need.